I miss it

I really love writing in this blog.  It is a chance for me to just openly ramble about whatever I choose without too much concern.  It is also a great little diary in many ways.  So, given these facts, you’d think I would be writing in here a lot in my first year as a mother.  I thought so too.  But, we’re all wrong on this one.

Currently, as I type this, my household is asleep.  I just finished a proposal for work (at 10 pm) and I’m now pumping breast milk for tomorrow because I didn’t get around to it during the day.  I tell you this because it serves as a snapshot of my life as the mom to a 10-month old baby.  I’m sure there are working moms out there who feel like life is a breeze, but I’m not one of them.  I feel like I am a walking PSA to all the friends in my life without kids, telling them that, sure, you’ve heard it can be hard to juggle life with a baby, but I’m here to tell you that it’s HARD to juggle.

I literally have not slept through the night in roughly a year.  This time last year I was pregnant AF, and since that time I have had a baby waking me up at all hours of the night.  Sure, there was that two-week period where Cody and Rick were in Austria, but I was pumping that whole time so sleeping still was not a reality for me.  Only now, at over 10 months postpartum, do I finally feel like I have the energy and ability to reliably think, keep track of the day’s events, work out, and care for myself, Rick, and the kid.  I really don’t know how people manage to have more than a handful of these little monsters.

Complaints aside, 10 months is possibly one of the cutest ages ever.  Cody babbles, says Addie’s name, sings, crawls towards me when I come home, and hangs on to my legs as I walk around.  He is still snuggly but mostly he is on the go, exploring and taking in all that life has to offer.  Last weekend I went horseback riding and we brought Cody to the stables.  To him, horses  were possibly the coolest thing he’s seen yet.  It’s such fun to see life through his little hazel eyes!

He sleeps in his bed for the first few hours each night, but typically still wakes up and needs to feed or be comforted.  At this point, I usually bring him to bed and fall asleep nursing.  When I wake again later, there is this tiny human cuddled up next to me, often with a hand touching me for comfort.  I listen in the stillness for the gentle sounds of his breathing, and if he seems so soundly asleep that I won’t wake him, I often trace my fingers on his soft skin.  Babies are the most incredible things!

I recognize that my conversation has devolved (here anyway) into recollections of moments in motherhood.  In some ways I care and want to preserve this space for a me that is separate from my mother-ness.  That said, there isn’t really a duality in my existence.  I am a mom.  I work.  I catch my breath in my throat when I think of my tiny little son and how overwhelming life and love and motherhood are. These are all parts of me, and so be it if my blog turns into a ramble on this new chapter.

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