I sit here late in the evening wondering at where my day went. I listen to the intermittent buzz of my phone as I exchange text messages from Rick. He is camping in the mountains of Washington with our puppy, Adelaide. It makes for a quiet night at home in Denver with the two of them gone. But, a quiet night is sometimes just what one needs. I met my coworkers for a quick drink, came home and made granola, talked for hours with my Grandpa and my sister, and now after weeks of not writing I’m sitting here making an entry in my blog.
Some changes are afoot for me now. Many are quite apparent – settling into a new city and a new job, finding the balance in life as a married couple, navigating the working world after several months away. Others manifest in more subtle ways, leaving me re-envisioning my life and considering my future. Some are existential, and cause mostly a change in outlook. Some are physical too. There is much on my mind, and though I’m being elusive in my writing, the matters will almost certainly come into clearer view here in the coming weeks. Til then, I will couch my meanings in vagueries.
Last week marked a year since I lost my Grandma. It made for a lot of tears. In many ways the year went quickly. We have all been so busy and life moves fast. Many important changes have occurred in my life. My Grandma’s absence has become all the more noticeable and poignant in light of them. I married the love of my life and the person who makes me feel whole and complete. We settled down, and we are taking important steps forward in our lives together. I wish she could witness that. I wish she could see my sister and her fiancé building and planning their lives together. I wish she could see the resilience of my other sister as she navigates some difficult challenges in her professional world. I wish she could be here as a sounding board, a source of humor, and the vessel for the wonderful and playful spirit she was. I miss her so much. I recognized that I have been treating her absence in my mind as a temporary condition. I’m sure it was a coping mechanism. However, when the one-year mark arrived, the permanence of her absence really hit me deep in my heart. I was so blessed to have her for as long as I did. I know that. But, I wish I had just a bit more of her.
As I look forward, I try hard to channel some of her strength and her toughness to help me plot a course for the next few months of my life. I know I’ll need strength and tenacity. I like to think that I have a secret weapon on my side to help me garner those things. Mostly, though, I try to channel the really unconditional love she had for her family and know that it’s out there for me to tap into when I need it most. I have needed a lot of it lately and I am certain I will need it going forward.
I know this is a bit of a sad post. Though there are many happy things to write about, I hope to focus on them in my next post. For today, however, I want to recognize the hole left by my Grandma’s loss and to make it known that time and distance from the moment we lost her have not dulled my heartache. I miss her and I love her.