There is a lot spinning around in my head on these subjects of late.
The first and most obvious reason is my upcoming wedding planning, which has me living approximately 2 months ahead of myself at all times. I have no idea what day it is after two weeks of vacation. I can’t remember much about my life in Australia, because once I’m home it has a way of turning into a strange dream life that may or may not be rooted in reality. I also have no idea what season it is because it’s almost the end of winter in Australia and almost the end of summer in Wisconsin, and really it all feels the same to me after two weeks at home. I’m so confused in life right now. And excited. And jet-lagged. Let me tell you a secret about living in Australia – it’s the future there. I took a brief vacation to the past for two weeks – in so many ways. My body and mind are all still trying to adjust.
My second note on time travel and love is a brief commentary on the cosmic weirdness of the following: my ex boyfriend of 7 years is getting married on the day that doesn’t exist in my life due to crossing the international date line while flying. I leave on Friday, land on Sunday and somewhere in the la la land in between he will get married. I really expected that this would have some sort of intense effect on me – his wedding, that is. I think I anticipated this day, even when we were still together and in love. There seemed to be something not in the cards about us, so I had expected that one day we might be apart. But, though I think part of me always anticipated that someday we would marry other people, I expected to be there. I expected we would still be close. Instead, I haven’t talked to him in nearly two years.
Oddly, I’m not melancholy. I don’t even know if I have feelings about the wedding. I feel so far removed from his existence that I can’t even feel sad about it. I feel nothing. It’s perhaps a more troublesome feeling, honestly. I feel guilty for my lack of feelings. How can you share your life with someone for 7 years, having made plans for a future together; a wedding, kids, and everything that goes with it and then feel so little when they get married? It’s odd. I saw some good friends of his last weekend and we chatted a bit about the upcoming wedding. Before they left I just told them to express my best wishes and give him a hug for me. How strange. The longest, most turbulent, and sweetly twisted love story in my life boiled down to a hug from afar and a meaningful time/space glitch wherein the day he commits to spend his life with someone else doesn’t exist for me.
Life, you’re clever and funny.
Today I leave home for 7 more weeks in Australia. It’s hard to leave. Mentally I’m ready to come home and the next month and a half seems like a strange post-script to our life there – living on friend’s couches and trying to get in one more surf.
But, so it goes. I’m off.